“Please just forget about me, you have two other daughters!” I screamed at my parents through my slurred words, flailing my arms about like a drunken sailor.
Can you imagine your life so bad that you would actually believe that your parents would forget about you if you asked them to?!
When I said that, I was just about to hit ‘rock bottom’ which is interesting to say because there wasn’t a bottom to any bottle of vodka I could find.
The strangest thing was that I spent most of my 20’s not even partying.
From the time I was 19 years old up until 24 years of age, the only alcohol I had was from that one time I tried Nyquil (whoa, that stuff is strong AND I do NOT promote using it – there are many other natural alternatives for colds and sleep).
My path to alcoholism pretty much started at the age of 25 when I ended a long term relationship. I remembered how much fun it was to sneak alcohol from my friend’s parent’s liquor cabinet when we were teens or when we could convince an older friend to buy for us.
So, after my passionate love affair was over not only did I begin drinking but I was partying every weekend. Going to clubs in Detroit was a blast until I got myself into some really horrible situations with people I shouldn’t have trusted. When you drink to get drunk, all of your morals, values and reasoning are thrown out of the window – like way out.
During that time in my life I had very low self-esteem and suffered from depression so alcohol became my best friend. I began to drink everyday until the point that I was physically addicted.
Once I realized I was an alcoholic, I tried to stop, but it felt impossible because not only was I mentally addicted, the physical side effects caused me to have panic attacks. The panic attacks were actually a blessing in disguise because it forced me to want to go to therapy, which I did. In therapy I learned tools to find my way out of panic attacks and anxiety. However, I didn’t yet address the alcohol issue. I lied about the actual amount of consumption, as alcoholics do.
For a couple more years, I found myself in and out of rehab, from psychiatrist to therapist. I also went to alcoholic’s anonymous (AA) meetings daily (which was very well suggested, if not, enforced upon me by many people).
Desire to Change
So what saved me? Hitting rock bottom, learning how to live through AA, my supports (including my family) and a desire to be healthy. I thought about suicide many times, but you know what, suicide wasn’t what I actually wanted, what I really wanted was to FEEL GOOD.
I once had a very honest employee who said to me, “Cynthia I don’t understand why or how you drink so much when you are so health conscious…it just doesn’t make sense.”
The most memorable words that people said to me during the beginning stages of my recovery were, “I know it sucks right now, but your only option is to move forward.”
and, “Just take the next right step.” as well as, “You never have to feel this way again.”
Those words planted seeds in my brain that will forever stick with me.
I am truly grateful everyday and I have been clean and sober since September 24th, 2007
One day at a time!
Be well always.
Next Topic: Panic Attacks
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